Ban NEXT% If You Like, But Ban These Things Too

Today it’s expected that World Athletics will make a judgement on whether to ban Nike’s carbon-plated Vaporfly NEXT% shoes, which saw multiple world records being broken last year.

The most notable event of 2019 however, was Eliud Kipchoge becoming the first human to run a sub-2 hour marathon with an unofficial time of 01:59:40. He did this wearing some custom AlphaFly shoes that boast being extremely light, 3 carbon-fibre plates and Nike’s marshmallow-like cushioning. The controversy lies in the idea that all of these new innovations ‘spring’ the athlete forward, however many experts simply think Nike have just innovated better than the competition. Competition that we are seeing launch similar shoes as you read this.

While being no real expert on the physics of the shoe, I believe World Athletics will announce tighter restrictions on carbon-plating and limit mid-sole girth (a term which should be adopted by all shoe experts.) But I also think they should consider banning a couple other things too. For the good of the sport.

Malt Loaf

2 years ago my brother ran his first half-marathon. It was a big milestone for him. A great day full of achievement and pride, spoiled by the mid-run serving of an unbuttered slice of Soreen Malt Loaf. Firstly I am extremely grateful for all of the people that line the streets, snacks in hand, supporting each and every runner. Secondly I’m not against Soreen Malt Loaf. It’s a lovely snack. But in the right context. Serving it as a pick-me-up mid race to somebody with an already very dry mouth is a little sadistic.

Stretching on public transport

It’s race day and you’re on public transport. Some scantily clad athletes are stood up in the aisle talking about their hopeful times. One of them, hand on hips, starts to lunge towards the other. Neither bats an eyelid. Other users of these trains or buses however, are exposed to more groin than usual and from what is usually a middle-aged mad. As groins go, I’d imagine it’s pretty low down your list of Groins I’d Want To See.

Plastic

Obviously.

Understating long runs in conversation

When asked what you’re up to this evening, saying “…not much really, might do a cheeky 10k…” is not an acceptable answer. In no way is a 10k ever “cheeky”. Especially for people that don’t run as much as you. If you said an ‘awful 10k’ or a ‘10k that I’m debating whether to cancel in order to get a McDonald’s breakfast’ then fine.

Are you listening World Athletics?!